This is a question I think about a great deal.  For a long time, I don’t think I knew the answer to this question.  More often than not, I was simply whomever you wanted me to be.  But with age (ahem), comes wisdom (hopefully) and a few years ago I started thinking about this more and more.  Who am I?

“Who am I?  Who AM I?  Who am I?!? I am the walrus…”  Sorry;  channeling The Breakfast Club there for a moment.

(The question also makes me think of this, which is now playing an infinite loop in my head.)

Anyway, I am all the usual things you’d expect.  A daughter.  A niece.  A cousin.  An auntie. A friend.  A Temple alum (go Owls!)  A youth leader.  An event planner.  An animal lover. An Aquarian.  A Christ follower.  A Subaru owner.  An iPhone devotee.  A Facebook addict. A blogger.  But I’m also someone who:

Loves to create…events, crafts, scrapbooks, photographs.  Spaces. Bonds between people.  Illusions of spontaneity (when I really had a plan all along.)

Loves people and getting to know people.  One of my favorite things in life is hearing how people met their spouses.  I have heard some really fantastic stories.

Is harder on myself than anyone else could be.

Is loyal to a fault.

Wants to help.

Cares.

Is easily frustrated.

Just wants people to pay attention sometimes.

The list could go on and on;  both “good” and “bad” attributes, overlapping.  But isn’t that how it really is?  I posed the question on Facebook this week to see what sort of answers I’d get from my friends.  In the midst of many tongue in cheek responses, one friend said simply, “I am me.  There are too many facets to get into detail.”

That comment made me think.  Aren’t we all like that?  Full of facets, like a diamond?  Turn it this way and the light reflects.  Turn it another and capture its brilliance in a completely different way.

As I focus on my word for this year, I’ll keep thinking about my many facets, about what makes me me and wonder how and where do I fit.

I’m determined to find out.

…yet when it comes to getting online and actually writing, something holds me back.  I posed the question on Facebook recently, “How can I call myself a blogger when I never blog?”  A friend challenged me to write at least once a week and, even though he didn’t triple dog dare me, I am going to do my best.  

Last year, I chose a focus word for the year:  purpose.  I’m not entirely sure I lived it out;  it’s not like in the course of the year, I was divinely inspired to know my life’s true purpose…but I will say I was much more in tune with the idea of “purpose”.  Why was I doing what I was doing?  What did I feel strongly about?  What direction did I feel my life should take next?  In some ways, I think my word led me to the big move and the seismic shift in my whole life as I knew it.  It caused me to think, to try things, and to stop other things that didn’t make me happy.  In those ways, maybe, it meant something.

And so I will try again.  New year; new word.

This year’s word has several different connotations and that’s truly why I think it fits…and the word is, actually, fit.  With my move, new job, new life…I am trying in many areas of my life to find the “right fit” for me – in a church, in volunteer work, in my social life, and so on.  I’m trying to find out where I fit in – at work, at church, in friendships and family relationships that are in flux.  And finally, I need to focus on my health and work hard to lose weight and get fit.

So there you have it.  I feel like this is a much more concrete word than last year;  perhaps at least as impactful!  Stay tuned….

Who knew?

Certainly not me, who had never been more than hour from where I had grown up and all my friends and all my…EVERYTHING.

I live in a beautiful place.  Within 15 minutes, I could be in the mountains of one of the most scenic places in the country. And since it’s a college town and the city center is a mere 4 miles from where I am at any given moment, there is a ton to do here.  And I have been working VERY HARD to take advantage of it all.  I’ve toured the homes of two past Presidents;  I’ve been to music and dance events at the University.  Downtown,  I’ve visited the Saturday market and had dinner on the pedestrian mall several times.  I’ve seen the official Christmas tree and the local gingerbread house competition.

But it’s not home yet.

A wise friend, who has moved several times, told me it takes a year to feel really settled in a new place.  I’m holding on to that and believing.  Some days, it’s easier to do that than others – when I speak to someone about a cool volunteer opportunity or attend a church that feels right or have dinner and laughs out with a coworker.  Those days, it feels good and right to be here.

Then there are the other times.  And often, they catch me off-guard.  (And if you know me at all, you know I don’t AT ALL like to be caught off-guard!)  I knew I’d miss home and all the comfort that comes with it;  what I didn’t know was that there is sometimes an almost visceral ache to homesickness.  Today is one of those days.

But I’m holding on to my faith, the wisdom of my trusted friend and the lyrics of a song that has become almost an anthem for me here, “Home” by Phillip Phillips:

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you are not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

It’s hard to believe that I have been here for a month already.  In some ways, so much has happened and yet, at the same time, it feels like so little.  But isn’t that how life is?

I’ll be honest.  I am trying to stay positive and make sure to keep an optimistic outlook but this week was hard.  For some reason, I was hit with a deep homesickness.  In the past three weeks, some of my closest friends have faced (and are facing) some really serious challenges in their lives.  And if you know me in real life, you know that it’s really important to me to be there and to help in whatever way I can.  But that is hard to do from a distance, though I’m doing my best.

I joined a women’s Bible study from one of the churches I’ve visited and we’re studying the book of Nehemiah.  For those of you who haven’t a clue who Nehemiah was or need a refresher, here’s the gist:  Nehemiah worked for the king and had a pretty sweet gig.  But then some family and friends came to see him and told him things were very bad in his hometown of Jerusalem, and his people were struggling.  His heart was broken to hear this and he decided that he had to take action.  He went to the king, who was not favorable toward Jerusalem, and told him what he wanted to do and asked for his help.  Because of their relationship, the king let him go and said he could have the assistance he requested.  So Nehemiah goes home to help rebuild the wall around Jerusalem…and the lives of those he cares about.

My point in telling you this is two-fold.  First, the point of the study is to find out what breaks our hearts and then to take some kind of action, just as Nehemiah did.  I know that my heart breaks for students…and I started to write, “especially those who are struggling”, but really, aren’t most?  It is so difficult to grow up in today’s world…but that is a post for another time.  (And for the record, there are MANY things that break my heart but that is the area in which I feel most passionate.)

Second, last night in our group, one of the questions is what needs to be rebuilt in your life.  I almost laughed out loud.  My WHOLE life is being rebuilt.  And I know intellectually that it will be hard for a while and it won’t happen overnight.  But dear goodness, it would be nice if it would speed up a bit!  All I can do is just keep putting myself out there, doing things, trying things, and taking opportunities to meet people.  It would be so easy to settle:   keep to myself, read books, do my thing, and look forward to opportunities to go “home”…but that’s not why I’m here.

Stay tuned.

I would never have guessed at the beginning of this year that I would take a leap of faith, leaving my friends, family and home state beyond to embark on a new adventure.  But that is exactly where I’ve been led.

Just over two weeks ago, I packed up and moved south to Virginia, about five hours from where I grew up and where I’ve lived for the past 20+ years.  I took a new job at a university, something I was and am very excited about.  It’s in a great town with a lot to do.  And frankly, so far, the change hasn’t been too earth-shattering.  My new place is literally (and I do mean that literally) about 15 minutes from everything I need, including work.  (The difference in not making a two hour commute each day is stunning. I still haven’t quite grasped this concept.)

Everyone’s been so nice and helpful from work, even down to one putting me in touch with the couple who ultimately became my landlords.  But I’m eager to make some friends and start building myself a life here.  I’ve had moments where I read a text or a Facebook post and think, “Oh, I want to go with you!” only to realize that I’d have to drive five hours to go to a movie with my friends or out to a fest.  I had a long day of work on Friday and a few hours on Saturday;  on Sunday, I declared it Fun Day and endeavored to find myself some fun.  I went shopping (never fun for me) and then decided to go see Pitch Perfect.  While there was a tiny bit of anxiety in going to the movies alone, once I got there and staked out a seat in the back (which, by the way, was behind another woman by herself), I decided to make it a me date and even bought myself some popcorn.  In the end, I was glad I went.

And I guess that’s what this adventure is all about – stepping out, trying new things, seeing what’s in store.  Stay tuned….

Yesterday, I met some friends at a cupcake joint in the next town over. The cupcakes were not all we had hoped and we had some time, so they took me to a nearby candy shop to peruse.

Oh my.

The possibilities were endless, and you could mix and match all different flavors in a crisp, white bag.

Right now, my life is feeling a bit like that. A little bit sweet, a little bit sour with some unknowns thrown in for good measure. For the first time in my life, I’m moving away from all I’ve known and loved (and, thankfully, some things that I have not loved) for a job in another state. Some moments, I’m so excited by the prospect I can’t wait; others, I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me at the thought.

But like my candy shop experience yesterday, I’m taking this mixed bag for what it’s worth – and trying new things along the way. Stay tuned!

I’ve read some negative reviews of NBC’s coverage of the Olympics this week.  The majority focused on the coverage being in the evenings, hours after the events have concluded (and the Olympians are safely tucked in their beds…or living it up, as the case may be!)  Basically, the gist is that NBC needs to get with the times and show everything in real time, as social media is achieving.

A coworker tried to justify it to me, saying it was still fun to watch even if you knew the outcome but I disagree.  I can be convinced that I am watching it live – I am a master at suspending disbelief (which sometimes serves me; sometimes not…but that is another issue entirely.)  My interest and excitement level are just not the same when I already know who won. In fact, I unfollowed one of my favorite ABC news anchors because he was posting results in live time.  I turn away from my phone when it flashes CNN “breaking news” stories.  I literally sat in a conference room today saying, “Lalalalalalalalalalalalala” while coworkers discussed the outcome of the swimming.

It works for me.

And now I’m about to watch Michael Phelps in the men’s 200 fly.  Shhhhhhhh!

…every day is a good day when you create.

I’m not a painter but I do fancy myself a writer.  I’ve spent too much time worrying about the direction of this blog, who reads it, who might read it and what you’ll think.  But really, it’s not about you.  It’s about me and giving myself an opportunity to write and create.

And so we begin anew.

I live in a small town. I grew up in a very small town but this is different; there, the small was spread out so there wasn’t much continuity of town, if that makes an ounce of sense. Here, it is truly a town, with all the usual townishness and only a couple stop lights.

This weekend each year, the fair comes to town. And this is A Big Deal. It may sound like I’m being sarcastic or joking around but it really is. It’s the only thing that really happens to bring the community together all year.

While I’ve never gone to the fair itself, I make it a point to never miss the Friday night fireworks. To me, since I’ve lived here, the fireworks signify the true start of summer.

For a few years when I first moved here, I’d have friends over. We’d grill and then sit in my driveway and watch the fireworks.

Then one year, the trees grew.

The past couple years, I’ve traveled closer to the fair with friends to watch. The location changed; the friends changed.

The trees kept growing.

I have been feeling out of sorts lately; I have shied away from the blog because I wasn’t happy with the direction I felt it was going. But really, there is probably more to it than that. As I chose my word for the year (or perhaps it chose me), I felt as though the universe would open and all would be revealed. Instead, my search for purpose seems derailed or maybe just switched to another track.

Or maybe I just can’t see the fireworks for the trees right now.