I spent four hours today with an inside out contact in my eye.

Sometimes when that happens, I know right away.  I’m able to take it out and flip it around before I even leave the bathroom.  Other times, I realize it before I leave the house and rectify it.

But today was a bit different.  Something felt a little off.  It was a little bit scratchy.  It was kind of irritating but I was in a hurry to get to work for a busy day ahead.  Throughout the day, it got more bothersome but I WAS BUSY.  My eye grew a little red.  The irritation grew and grew but I DIDN’T HAVE TIME to stop and go to the ladies room, saline solution in hand, to flip the doggone thing around.

As I dashed to my next meeting, I jokingly posted on Facebook, “My contact has been inside out all day but I’m too busy and probably lazy to flip it.”  The response was instant:

“I couldn’t stand it!”
“I could never do that.  It hurts!”
“How can you stand it?”

It DID hurt.  How COULD I stand it?

I was busy;  I had back-to-back meetings all morning and folks breathing down my neck for things they wished I’d done yesterday.  And I hate having to hike down the hall with my saline and try not to infect my eye with any of the ick that resides in a public restroom.

It was easier to suffer than make a change.

Isn’t that always the way?  We struggle, we suffer, we abide with the pain because we feel like that’s easier, safer, less frightening than taking action.  

What’s your inside out contact lens?  I can promise you you’ve got one – we all do.  Is it your finances? Your weight?  Lack of sleep?  Dealing with that person at work?  Or in your neighborhood or apartment complex?  Addressing that ongoing issue with a friend or family member?  Your job?  Or lack of one?  Maybe it’s a medical test or doctor’s visit you’ve been putting off.  Maybe it’s stepping out in faith on a dream you’ve had for a while but you’ve been too afraid to move.

All of a sudden, I simply couldn’t take it anymore.  I ran back to my office between meetings, grabbed the saline and took care of the issue. Relief was immediate…and I wondered what had taken me so long.

The past year has been hard on me.  And hard on my relationships.  But what I’ve been reminded is that the best relationships are a give and take, not just a give…or perhaps rather, not just a take…and take…and take.  Friendships, by their very nature, are meant to be a two-way street – and isn’t that how we balance one another?  A friendship, to me, means being there for one another during the ups and downs, through the crazy rotten times and the celebrations…not simply when it is convenient or easy or fun.  Relationships are messy.  And sometimes difficult.  They take time;  they take effort.  But doesn’t everything that’s truly worth it in life? And I guess that’s what’s up to each of one of us to decide: who and what is truly worth it.  

This time last year, fed up and tired from all the things I’d been trying to meet people, I decided to start a book club.  I’ve always loved to read and I had to guess that there were other people like me in this town;  I just hadn’t found them yet. I chose a popular forum that I’d been using in my own pursuit (primarily because they offered me half off to start my own group) and a new book club was born.

I’d never attended a book club in real life, let alone run one.  But I figured what the heck;  if you build it, they will come, right?  And come they did.

I still remember that first book club meeting last February.  I had chosen a Thai restaurant in town that I knew I liked and as I sat outside, I sent a frantic text to my friends at home, posted a squirrely status on Facebook, and sent up prayers that people would show up.  And that they’d be nice.  And that the conversation and discussion would flow…and that it would grow and continue.

And so it did.  We’ve had folks come and go but there is a strong core group that has stayed.  Many months, our conversations are more about our lives and what ELSE we are reading than the book at hand – and that’s ok, too.  Life is all about relationships and that is what I had hoped would be built through the book club, forged on a common love of the written word.

As the months passed, my organizer discount for the site expired and I realized that this was a much more costly proposition than I’d originally thought.  I know that some book clubs have dues but I didn’t want to require that; we already have the cost of books to consider and the fact that we meet at a restaurant so that (1) no one has to host and (2) new people can feel comfortable – coming to the home of someone you’ve never met in this day and age can be a BIT of a deterrent.   I looked at various other options but it seemed that setting up a Facebook group was our best bet.

I set it up seven months ago, planning to close the group on January 1 on the original site.  (Seven months! How’s that for planning?)

I’ve tossed and turned and flipped and flopped about the whole thing much more than is reasonable.  The bottom line is that I can’t afford the monthly cost and I don’t want others footing the bill, either, especially when there are free options available. And for those who use Facebook, it’s actually easier to navigate than the prior site.  It allows for more discussion and discourse on other topics beyond our next book/meeting.

In each correspondence though the original site, I’ve asked people to move over to the group.  I’ve mentioned it at book club meetings, in emails, and on the discussion board.  I have at least two regular attenders who don’t/won’t use Facebook and I’ve made arrangements to correspond with them via email to keep them in the loop. And some of the 70+ folks on our roster moved over but as of today, less than half had.

Then why did I feel so guilty this morning as I closed the original group for good?   It feels like an ending, instead of just a change.  Maybe I’ve had so many of both in the last 15 months that it’s become a default. More likely, it’s my old need to please rearing its head.  Nothing has changed, beyond it’s locale.  The core will likely remain, regardless of the means of communication.  And we keep on, keeping on.

So here’s my reminder to myself:

The book club, just like the Dude, abides.

Welcome, 2014!

I’m thankful to have 2013 behind me.  It was a year filled with ups and downs, and last night was a definite low…but in a way, it directly ties in with my word for the year.

The past two years, two friends and I have chosen a focus word for the year, instead of setting the usual New Year’s resolutions.  My first word was purpose, as I strove to figure out what my personal purpose was, along with the reasons behind some situations and struggles I faced.  Last year, I chose fit as I worked to not only fit in to my new town and life but also to create a healthier me.

As we approached the end of the year, I started tossing around ideas of what my new word should be.  Love?  Perhaps.  Patience?  Hmm.  Focus?  That one had promise.  But one what would I focus?  As usual, I felt torn in many directions…finances, writing, health, what?  All?  Then it really wouldn’t be focus – it’d be whatever it is I have going on in my head all the time anyway.

Then it came to me:  abundance.

But it’s not what you think.

The definition of abundance is:

A great and plentiful amount
Fullness to overflowing
Affluence; wealth

It is all those things but it is also the opposite of something I struggle with:  negativity and scarcity.  It’s so easy to feel like you don’t have enough, aren’t enough, the list goes on and on, even when that is clearly not true in all aspects of your life.  It takes conscious effort to remind yourself that you are enough, you have enough, but that is the point of focusing on abundance in the coming year.

There will be very real struggles in the year ahead.  I can see some on the horizon even today; some will come as a complete surprise.  There will be more highs and lows.  But focusing on abundance doesn’t mean pursuing more (or better) all the time.  Instead, it’s about focusing on the fact that I have enough – money, love, happiness;  the list could go on and on – even when I have less than I’d like.  It’s about balance.  It’s about moving away from the negativity, the feeling of lack to gratitude for all with which I am blessed.

Let’s do this thing.

I thought some of you might enjoy reading my annual Christmas letter, below.  (Names & places have been removed/changed to protect the innocent!)

The holiday season is upon us.  And with it, fun and excitement and joy and peace and compassionate and goodwill toward men and….

I missed an important meeting this morning.  It was something for which I’ve been waiting weeks because of bureaucratic red tape. I’m even the one who scheduled it but I put it into my calendar wrong and didn’t realize I had forgotten about it until I dawdled my way into work late today.

I was already overtired and lamenting that I hadn’t decided to take today and tomorrow off in anticipation of the Thanksgiving holiday, but this threw me for a loop.  I made profuse apologies all around and was eventually able to reschedule my portion of the meeting for later today.  But all the while, my negative inner dialogue was in overdrive.  I won’t write all the things that went through my mind here because I refuse to give them any more power.

Those who know truly know me know that I am not an optimist by nature…or by nurture.  I have to work very hard to find the silver linings in things and to encourage others to do the same.  And when I say that, I mean that it is truly WORK.  My immediate go-to is negativity and I have learned to be exceptionally intentional in my efforts to minimize that and turn it around.  This is not to say, by any means, that I’m never negative.  I mean, come on.  (And I call “pants on fire” to anyone who claims to never fall prey to the negative or who never admits it out loud.  But that issue is for another post! I am also fond of snark (also a post for another time) but I don’t think that falls into quite the same category.)  Over the years, I’ve learned to more quickly identify the spiral when it starts and I’ve found, often, that if I can recognize it, BREATHE, and look at the situation in light of what I can DO, it can make a world of difference in how I handle things.  I am thankful that just because it’s my default, it doesn’t need to define me.

I won’t say my outlook did a complete180 today.  It didn’t.  But I was able to get past my own “stuff”  and move on. And now I’ve got to run – can’t be late for the rescheduled meeting!

As I walked into my office building today, I heard one woman say to another, “Good for you, for setting a boundary!”  It’s something I’ve had friends (and counselors) say to me yet it still bristled.  How is it that setting boundaries is such an unusual thing (especially for women, shock of all shocks!) that we need to be encouraged and heralded for doing so?  But as I walked toward my office, I realized that although it’s something I’ve been working on, I still need that, “You go, girl!”  to encourage me that boundaries aren’t a bad thing; that saying no isn’t a bad thing; that taking time to take care of me isn’t a bad thing.

When a baby begins to grow into a toddler, you “baby-proof” the house so she can’t stick her fingers in an electrical outlet or eat the cleaning supplies are or hang herself with the mini-blind cord.  You place gates places you don’t want her traveling like up and down the steps.  You might even gate her into a certain area of your home that you have deemed safe.  Why?  So she doesn’t hurt herself.

It’s the same with boundaries.

Yet it’s an almost constant struggle for me.  It’s always easier for me to be the woman in the hallway cheering on her friend for setting a boundary in her life and sticking to it.   I usually follow-through.  I’m KNOWN for follow-through.  If I tell you I am going to help you with something or do something for you, I will.  Even at my own peril;  even if my world has fallen apart in the interim between the promise & the actual “doing”.  And in my work, follow-through is everything.

But in the past year (and probably before that, if I’m honest), this is something I’ve been working on.  I often give of myself to my own detriment.  Or I agree to something and then, almost immediately, regret not asking more questions before agreeing or even agreeing at all.  A huge part of it is that I have latent people-pleasing tendencies and so my default is to go out of my way for you, him, her, them; anyone and everyone.  In a whole lot of ways, this is not a bad thing.  But it’s a fine line…and something with which many of us seem to struggle.  Most often, I think the struggle is with the reactions or perceived reactions of those to the boundary than to the boundary itself.  It’s easy to say. “I’m going to do this but not that” when you are living your life in a void.  Funny thing about that, though – unless you are on a deserted island, your boundaries always involve others.  Friends, Family.  Coworkers.  People at church.  People at school.  People in the grocery store, the library, the car wash.  And if I have learned one thing about people, it is that we are all focused on self.  Even the most self-less and giving among us is wired to consider how others’ actions impact US instead of the reverse.  And our life experiences, how we grew up, the environments in which we live, work, and so on, all have an impact on how we react to that.  If you tell me on a day when things are going fairly well, when I’ve had a restful night’s sleep, when I have just had a great lunch, talking with some pleasant folks, that you need to cancel on something you promised to do for me later that day for a valid reason, I will likely be disappointed.  But I’ll deal with it and move on.  Same situation on a day when I haven’t slept, skipped lunch, and ran into snags with everything I attempted? Suddenly, you aren’t my “real” friend.  You’re not there when I “need” you.  How dare you?  I’ll swear that I’ll never ask for your help again. (I will. Ask again, I mean.)

Seriously?   We need to respect the need for boundaries – and we need to give ourselves, and others, a break.  When I say no to you outright or change my mind down the line, it’s not me being a jerk.  (Ok, well, sometimes it probably is.)  It’s me saying I know what I can handle – mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise – and that perhaps I’ve reached my limit.  Or that I can see my limit on the horizon and know myself well enough to know that I shouldn’t wait until I get TO my limit before putting on the brakes.

P.S.  This whole post came about because I didn’t do NaNoWriMo.  I didn’t write a word. Ok, that’s a lie.  I wrote 10 words and then realized that I didn’t have the time or the motivation to do it at this point.  And I felt guilty about that.  But you know what?  Boundaries are cool.  Make some.

Sometimes it’s easier to jump into the pool without testing the temperature.  If you stick your toe in and find it cold, your brain starts obsessing:  “It’s cold.  It’s cold.  Oh, it’s so cold.  Why is it so cold?  Oh, I don’t want to go in there!  Not there!  It’s cold.  It’s cold.  Oh, it’s so cold….”

And so I signed up for Nanowrimo.  Say what now?  Nanowrimo.  Na-no-wri-mo…oh, just click the link already!

For those of you who do not follow instructions well, Nanowrimo is National Novel Writing Month.  I’ve signed up in the past but did not follow through and, truthfully, I can’t promise that this time will be any different.  But I do have a few friends who also signed up to participate and, in going with the theme of my life lately, I mean, what the heck?  I have long fancied myself a writer and I do occasionally dabble.  (“Occasionally” being the key word for those of you who actually follow the blog.  Very key.)

The jumping in the pool without testing the water part is that I have no rightly idea what I am going to write about.  My writing is always much more memoir-esque;  the creative end always seems to allude me.  I have a hard time inventing people and lives and all of that when my own world is just so darned entertaining/irritating/confusing/etc, etc, etc.

We shall see!